38 weeks and 1 day

Today I would have been 38 weeks and 1 day.  Last night we went up to say goodbye to Lincoln before we left Bear Lake.  We love going up to the cemetery to see Linc.  The girls like to pull on his toy and make it vibrate.  Someone put a cute yellow flower by his name plate which touched my heart thinking that others have been up to see him. The girls went with grandma on Saturday and put some flowers up there.  It's cute to hear them talk about him and how much they miss him. Although there are times like last night where our hearts are just so full of love and we all can't stop crying.  Monte thought it would be a good idea to sing 'Families can be together forever' and we couldn't even make it through the whole song before we were all crying. I am grateful for the knowledge that our family is eternal and one day I will be able to hold my son again.  I miss him so much and some days the pain is hard to bear.  I am hoping that it does get easier! 

I have been thinking today about how far along I would have been today and the thought that I had before 20 weeks of bringing home a perfect baby.  I have thought about the changing diapers, waking up in the middle of the night and all the other fun stuff that happens when you bring home a new baby.  The 'what if's' have began to fill my mind.  What would we be doing now if Lincoln didn't have Trisomy 18 and passed away 8 weeks ago?  Would I be putting up some cute blue baby bedding into his crib instead of taking down the crib and putting it in the basement? I still don't understand why Lincoln had to be the one that was so special that he didn't have to stay on Earth.  Don't get me wrong, I am grateful that he doesn't have to go through this life and he is protected from the evils around. I just miss my baby and miss the chance to get to be his mom on Earth.