July 9, 2011

At 7 am when they checked me and I wasn't doing anything I asked if I could take a bath in their SUPER nice bathtubs!  These things are amazing and HUGE!!!  So I soaked for awhile and then got out and started putting makeup on and doing my hair. I started to feel sick and felt like my water was leaking a little bit so I laid down and had the nurse come and check me.  She broke my water right then  (8am) and said I was at a 4! WOW!! what?  I told her I wanted my epidural now!  About 15 minutes later I was in the worst pain I have ever felt in my life.  They gave me more morphine and that seemed to not do anything for me so I asked for something else and they gave me Nuvaine (which makes me silly and crazy) and that didn't do anything either.  Finally, the lady came in to give me my epidural which felt like a life time to get...I think she was taking her time.  After that was in I laid down and a few seconds later I pushed Lincoln out at 9:08 am.  So I pretty much did everything natural!  I was so drugged up afterwards that I held Lincoln for a second and then passed out for a few hours!  I remember hearing everyone talking and thinking...hey I am still here but I couldn't say anything and I couldn't move!  I was dead to the world! 

While I was out our family was able to come in and spend some time holding Lincoln. They took him to go get a bath and got lots and lots of good pictures.  After I came back from the dead they brought Linc in to me and I was able to cuddle with my baby boy. 

We had our little girls come in the night before and we explained to them that Lincoln had gone to Heaven with Great Grandpa Ward and Jesus.  I don't think they understood fully but they knew that we were sad and they cried with us.  On Saturday we brought them in to see there brother. I was a little worried about doing this as Lincoln was so little and I didn't want to traumatize them but I was SO glad that we did.  They were so wonderful and so loving toward him. They loved holding him, kissing him and looking at all of his fingers and toes.  It was hard for them to say goodbye to him!  They were so proud to show off there little brother to everyone in the room.  It was really such a miracle that they were so great and so understanding of everything.


The spirit was so amazing in our hospital room and we are truly so blessed to be able to go through this experience with Lincoln.   Don't get me wrong, I have spent many hours crying and missing my son. It is so hard to have him with you for so long and then suddenly have him gone. Usually after you give birth you have a baby to bring home and to feel your house with love and that void your belly feels.  I had a baby and had nothing to show for it except for the extra pounds I gained.  However, I have an angel baby that come and visits me often. I have felt his loving arms many times wrap around me and tell me mommy everything will be okay, I love you. 

I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have as being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day saints that our church offers us something that no other church can offer us. The chance to be together as a family forever. I am so grateful I have a worthy priesthood holder in my home that has taken me to the temple for time and for all eternity so that I can someday have the opportunity to hold Lincoln in my hands and to hear him cry and to see him grow up in a world that Satan will no longer live in.  To my family, I hope and pray that the spirit that you felt in my hospital room that day will linger in your hearts and that you can remember the feelings of the Holy Ghost and how happy your life can be if you invite the spirit back into your life and into your heart.  I know with our a doubt that this gospel is true and I love the Savior for allowing me to have this opportunity to know of his unconditional love for me and for my family.  I have been able to understand a little bit more of the gospel and what Mary might have felt as she watched her son hanging on the cross.  I have gained a greater appreciation for the savior atoning for our sins in the garden of Gethsemane so that I can one day live with my heavenly children and my earthly family once again.  How amazing the gospel is!  Thank you everyone who shared in our joy on that beautiful Saturday morning.  Thank you for crying with us and mourning the loss of Lincoln's physical body. 


So here are some facts about Lincoln.  He weighted 1 pound 8 oz and was 13 inches long. He had lots of dark hair,  the cutest little hands and toes (which we were able to get hand and foot casts done) and was just as perfect as you can get.  He has his daddy's nose and looked a lot like Monte (I think)!  I am only sharing a few photos with everyone and want to keep some of our memories to those that were there.  We had the greatest lady in the world helping us treasure the memory of Lincoln and we are so grateful to her and all of her help during this time. She took countless pictures was so tender and loving with Lincoln as she bathed him and clothed him.  We are really so lucky to have so many wonderful people around us!

This is our first family picture..which you can tell by my face that I am still really drugged here!

Here is his cute little face and nose! 

His tiny hands- a reminder of eternity

I love this one & it shows all of his hair!

See how little he is!

I will post details of his funeral and some pictures tomorrow!  Enjoy our pictures of our Angel